Mary was as close to a barbie doll as any woman I’ve ever seen. She was tall, blonde, curvy, and well-endowed. I noticed her as soon as she walked into my pub. I had no idea we’d be making out in a hot tub by the end of the night.

***

I was working the Friday evening shift at my second favourite pub job. Even though there was a large group booked for the night it was just me serving the place. Most likely I had sent home the younger, 19 year old waitress who meant well, but had a typical entitled Gen Z attitude. That was okay with me, the room was small enough I could take care of everyone, and I preferred working alone..

The event was organized by my friend Gerald, who would soon join our staff. He was a former history teacher who wanted to be a bartender since he was young. Gerald was among those legions of boys who had seen Cocktail with Tom Cruise while growing up. I’ve never seen it, never dreamt of slinging drinks, and two years after leaving the industry I still don’t understand the appeal of long hours, rude customers, mopping floors, and becoming a raging alcoholic. 

Then again Gerald was a people person, knew everyone, and in line with his hippie roots, believed the best about people. That’s one philosophy I guess, which after 17 years of bartending I’ve found trying. He also had an odd obsession with Spotify and a tendency to push his song lists on people. He’d ask bartenders to play them when we went to other venues, but his success ratio ranged between 1-5%.

None of that mattered though, as Gerald was one of the top five bartenders I had the honour to serve with. We complemented each other at work. I’d do the lion-share of actual work like making drinks, greeting tables, and running food. He’d bring in people, tell stories, charm everyone, and be the life of the party. I was the strategist, he was the entertainer, and we made a great team.

Anyway, Gerald’s group was fun, loved to drink (which maximized tips), and bought me shots all night. You know you have a drinking problem and high alcohol tolerance when 9 shots in two hours barely effects your performance. Or I assumed it didn’t…

There were about 25 of them. It was a high school reunion I think, the class of… something in the 70s. They were mostly middle class, polite, and gave me ZERO problems. It was fun to serve them and I don’t say that often.

The only weird thing was one of them who worked with me at the football stadium. He was nice, funny, and great to serve under. But he didn’t drink, saying it had caused him problems, so he sipped on soda. Little did I know he’d be fired from the stadium for touching my soon-to-be girlfriend inappropriately a few weeks later. It’s a small world I guess.

***

Besides the large group I had two tables on the other side of the lounge, six people who hadn’t come in before. I can’t remember much about them until Mary walked in. I have a confession to make: I’d seen her before at another pub and given her irresistible beauty I’d sent her a mildly flirtatious Facebook message. It must not have been offensive given she smiled, said “I know you,” and we got along fine.

As previously stated, Mary had the body of a barbie. She also had full lips, was well dressed, and even had a pleasant personality. Mary was also well educated and had a decent job, although I don’t remember what it was. Either because it as boring or the many shots I had.

I divided my time between the big group and other tables as Mary became increasingly flirtatious. While such attention from a babe was obviously welcome as I was single (and a heterosexual male) but I wasn’t flattered. From what I remember seeing her at the other pub and her social media feed, she pretty much had a male harem. If I managed to get anywhere with Mary I’d just be one of her many conquests.

Still, given I was 25 pounds overweight and balding the potential chance with her intrigued me. As John Hammond said in Jurassic Park “how can we stand in the light of discovery, and not act.” 

I knew I had a good shot when she approached me at the bar. I forget why she did so, whether it was for another drink or to ask me something. But she grabbed me, pulled my head against her chest, and rubbed her large breast against me. Being a gentlemen and in shocked I kept my hands to myself, but otherwise enjoyed the moment. Mary was a few inches taller than me so at least I didn’t have to lean down much.

Before you think such things happen regularly in the bar industry let me reassure you this was the only time that occurred in 17 years. Needless to say, most of the rest of the night at the pub remains a blur, as my mind focused on taking Mary home

Perhaps more oddly, her brother was also friendly, even grabbing my ass for some reason. That’s just messed up.

He said things like “I have ideas,” “my boss doesn’t appreciate me,” “I’m going places,” and other nonsense guys who have something to prove say when they’re drunk. I can’t remember his name, I’ll call him Bobby. Bobby would say such things for the rest of the night and I’d play along because he was a customer. Plus I wanted to hook up with his hot sister.

***

I remember afterwards downing more shots bought from customers as the night died down. Gerald’s group went home around 12:30. They tipped well, I asked them if they had safe rides home, and pretended to believe none of them would drive home drunk.

That left Mary and her brother. As I did last call they invited me to their place. Given she kept eyeing and flirting with me I gladly obliged. 

I’ve never closed a bar quicker before. I ran to lock the front door, rushed the dishes to the kitchen, and gave a perfunctory wipe down of all the tables. For once I didn’t stock, left most of the garbage behind, and neglected my side duties. I didn’t care, I knew I’d get a write up or chewed out, but they wouldn’t fire me.

I showed up to their house a few minutes after closing. At first we sat around, drinking from a big vat of Vodka Mary’s brother had in the kitchen. Nothing says you’re an alcoholic more than distilling hard alcohol next to a box of Cheerios. Mary sat beside me and we leaned against each other gently. Her brother didn’t care, although given he’d grabbed my ass earlier I feared the prospect of a threesome. Given they were siblings and I have no interest in men this terrified me!

Of course this was ill-founded as Bobby just went on about get rich quick schemes and how he’d quit his job if his boss didn’t recognize his potential or give him a raise. I’d heard such rhetoric countless times from across the bartop over the years but since he was giving me a green light with his sister I was unfailing polite. 

One of their friends was also there, I think he was surveyor. He was a nice guy, soft spoken, and showed us churches, farms, and geographic highlights across the province. “Borrrrrrring,” I thought to myself while caressing Mary’s leg. Eventually, she invited everyone to the hub tub on their back deck and luckily her brother and their friend decided not to partake.

***

Mary had the body of a goddess as she stepped into the hot tub in a bikini. While her lips and… assets were fake that didn’t make her any less appealing. Meanwhile, I was 25 pounds overweight at the time but she was still enthusiastic. “Apparently personality can compensate for looks,” I thought. Given I had often been rejected at my best looking but had done okay with women when my life and attitude had been going well it made sense.

After some small talk I stroke her neck and face gently and leaned in to kiss her. We had a brief makeout session but we didn’t screw I had too many drinks (as usual) for that. Perhaps having 9 shots at work and double vodkas at their place may have been unwise.

Mary became disappointed when I couldn’t perform and not for the last time I cursed myself for drinking too much. Instead, we got out of the tub, dried off, and I unceremoniously passed out on the couch until 8 a.m. They were still sleeping by then so I left without saying goodbye. I’d never see them again. 

The next day I walked into work and my supervisor took me aside to give me a dressing down for the “subpar” closing I did on Friday. I took full responsibility, showed him a picture of Mary, and explained what happened. He rose a finger to initially make a point, but then hesitated. Instead he shook his head, grinned, and said “just don’t do it again.”