Opening List:

1). Cry in your car, take a shot from a flask, or smoke a cigarette before your shift.

2). Fill the ice well.

3). Take chairs off the tables.

4). Put presets (like salt, pepper, and ketchup) on tables.

5). Have a cup of coffee or Red Bull to deal with your insomnia or hangover.

6). Cut fruit.

7). Set up water station for servers.

8). Put the specials on the board.

9). Flirt with the cute waitress when she comes in.

10). Turn on the TVs.

11). Turn on the music.

12). Set the lighting for the appropriate mood.

13). Check the schedule and say “fuck” when you realize you’re working with lazy or toxic employees.

14). Wipe down the tables.

15). Wipe down the bartop.

16). Wipe down the menus.

17). Curse out the closing staff for not stocking beer or wiping down the tables and bartop.

18). Assemble and turn on the dishwasher.

19). Fill the Oasis Machine with ice (or sabotage it so you don’t want to make frozen drinks).

20). Open the blinds.

21). Unlock the front door.

22). Turn on the open sign.

23). Tell the opening supervisor/manager about how much you hate certain colleagues and customers, or all of humankind.

24). Have a quick shot of liquor or another smoke.

25). Pray to God no one comes in before you sober up or finish your staff meal.

***

Closing List:

1). Give last call.

2). Turn off the TVs and music and dim the lights.

3). Melt the ice.

4). Make sure no one is passed out in the bathrooms.

5). Throw out the garnishes and stock beer (unless you hate the opening bartender).

6). Replace bar mats.

7). Stock straws.

8). Kick out remaining customers and potentially get the number from the cute girl at the bar.

9). Lock the front door and say “thank God I don’t have to talk to anyone for 12 hours.”

10). Wipe down the tables, bartop, and menus (unless you hate the opening bartender).

11). Wash all glasses and disassemble dishwasher.

12). Have a quick shot, cigarette, or half pint.

13). Turn off Oasis Machine (if you were dumb enough not to sabotage it).

14). Put chairs on tables.

15). Pull down blinds.

16). Fudge the wasted liquor/mispour sheet to cover up free drinks to friends, regulars, and yourself.

17). Throw out garbages.

18). Give the bar a half assed mopping.

19). Write an inaccurate shift report to appease management or the corporation.

20). Consider writing a resignation letter for your next shift.

21). Do your cashout.

22). Eat the cold staff meal you ordered hours ago.

23). Make sure the kitchen turned off all their equipment so the place doesn’t explode.

24). Have one to three staff pints to decompress from your shift and question your life decisions.

25). Set the alarm and go home.