Section 117

“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” – Unknown

• If you’re walking past a table that isn’t yours don’t make eye contact; they’ll probably want something dumb like a glass of water or coleslaw.
• If you don’t want to talk to annoying colleagues who stand at your bar turn on the blender and wait until they leave.
• If you still have your original bottles of Jaegermeister and Southern Comfort from 7 Years ago when the bar opened, you probably aren’t the coolest place in town.
• Skip the Dishes is also known as “Skip the Tips.”
• When collecting payment with a debit machine turn 45 degrees away from the table to signify you don’t want to engage in small talk. If this fails have backup lines about the weather, the local sports team, or note “how every debit machine is different.”
• The key to dealing with being quadruple sat is to calmly walk into the kitchen, shot put a stack of dishes against the wall, and yell “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?”
• Whenever someone says “that was the best Caesar I’ve ever had” somewhere a bartender dies a bit inside. 
• When waiting for tables to open up hostesses always underestimate the wait time. A 15 minute wait time is usually 30 minutes, 30 minutes is always 45 minutes, 45 minute is an hour, etc.
• When bartending never, EVER, recommend a milkshake, margarita, sangria or other labor intensive drink. Instead suggest beer bottles, draft, highballs, or wine. My favourite suggestion is “l’eau avec un citron.”
• Always make sure when you’re serving a man and woman not to check out the girl when the man is looking at you. It’s better to check her out when you’re pouring a pint, or walking past the table away from his field of vision.
• As a follow up, giving her a friendly smile is acceptable, but a wink is not.
• Always resist the urge to say “oh for fuck sakes” when someone says they have a Gluten Allergy. Especially when it’s your girlfriend!
• If someone orders a steak at least 3 out of 10 times they’ll say it’s good when you ask how their meal is, eat 96% of it, then call over the manager and demand they make another.
• Anytime someone says “this is the worst service I’ve ever had” they either don’t go out often or haven’t been to Applebee’s.
• If serving wine make sure to place wine glasses with spots/lipstick at a dark corner of the table where guests won’t notice them. Optional: You could polish them.
• If you want everyone at a restaurant to know something just talk to any colleague, tell them what it is, and say “don’t tell anyone.” It’s why I don’t believe in conspiracy theories, because no one can keep their mouth shut.
• A table that asks for a drink menu and says to come back in five minutes rarely decides on drinks when you come back in five minutes.
• If you don’t want to wash your uniform regularly just throw it in the dryer, put on wrinkle release, then use a cloth with hot water to clean the worst dirty spots. 
• If you drop a tray of glasses and it makes a big noise pretend it never happened, walk away, and whistle. Don’t break down and cry (I’m looking at you ladies).
• Snapping fingers, whistling, sighing, and threatening gestures aren’t “effective means” of getting a bartender’s attention. In chain restaurants you’ll be ignored, in an independent one you may be told to fuck off.
• Servers, bartenders, and managers never lie to customers. Instead we obfuscate, exaggerate, delay, and flatter.
• Make sure to have 3 different things each time you greet a table, make small talk, and bid it farewell. Three is the magic number because you need to be 3 tables away from another one to use the same recycled lines without them hearing.  
• If you forgot to ring in food blame the kitchen. If you forgot to ring in drinks blame the bartender. If you forgot to greet your table quickly blame the hostess. If you forgot to do anything else blame management. Just imitate politicians: Why blame yourself when you can blame someone else!
• People who threaten you and say they know the owners rarely know the owners. But they always suck as human beings!
• If you aren’t gonna show up for a shift don’t say “ow my back hurts” or “I broke my ankle” when you drank all night and plan to walk back into work in a few days.
• If you have nothing to do and think the manager may ask you clean, all you have to do is keep polishing the same 3 wine glasses.
• Even if a screaming baby is at the opposite end of the restaurant any veteran bartender will hear it… even over loud music. 
• If a customer asks for a free drink laugh in their face and walk away.
• A bartender’s job is to make drinks, not to be a psychiatrist, best friend, comedian, or magician. A good one will be kind and engaging but we usually aren’t your friend.
• For every 1000 customers you get in the lounge 800 will be guys, 150 will be middle aged or old women, 49 will be 18 year olds with fake IDs, and 1 will be a cute girl you’ll like. And usually they’ll come in on your day off, be with her boyfriend, or sat in the other bartender’s section. I’m exaggerating, but it’s not as easy to meet attractive women as a bartender as many think.
• If you’re a raging alcoholic it’s best to work night shifts instead of at 10 a.m.
• A bartender/server’s job is to pretend to like customers, not to actually like their colleagues. Despite what you think most customers are okay and your colleagues are more likely to backstab you.
• Most customers won’t remember what you do in between as long as you say “hello” when they come in and “thanks for coming” when they leave. It take a few seconds and it pays off.
• Never say drive safe loudly when drunk customers walk out of the bar. Nothing says sue us if there’s an accident more than that.
• The price of caring is inevitable disappointment. Except for the minority of restaurants that aren’t toxic.
• Don’t hit on your colleagues, hit on their friends.
• If you can’t remember their names, always remember their drinks.
• A bartender has the option of giving a free drink (whether approved by management or not) to cover for bad food and service.
• Beer googles don’t exist (google it). Alcohol just lowers your standards. It’s okay to go home alone.
• There is often a five minute period before a bartending/serving shift where you sit quietly and mentally put aside all your personal problems, financial worries, and other burdens. Before you face dozens or 100s of people all day or night and have to put on a friendly, brave face. From then on it’s all acting and often bullshit, until the shift ends. Those minutes can last a lifetime.