Maybe I attracted crazy women, perhaps it was the nature of the industry, or it could have been the booze, but I didn’t have many great dates during my career. One girl I met was so obnoxious eventually I just turned my whole body away from her until she got the point and left… and that was our second date! Another time I had one too many beers, the girl said she’d go home with me but I was drunk, and stormed out angrily to a cab (okay that one was on me). The list goes on with either the girl, myself, or alcohol ruining the night. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had good experiences, usually with girls I met OUTSIDE of the industry. However, they never seemed to lead to anything meaningful or longterm. Either one of us would friend zone the other (guess who that mostly happened too), we’d turn out to be incompatible, or there simply wasn’t chemistry. Of course, such stories weren’t as disastrous or vivid as the bad dates, so it’s harder for me remember. But for the sake of variety, I thought I’d share one of the few nice dates I have a decent memory of. 

***

I was bartending at a pizza chain 10 minutes outside of the city at the time. Most of the waitresses drove me nuts. Some were either too young and green, others were older and had attitude, and both groups were often entitled (the place was located in a rich suburb). There were exceptions of course, and this included two Ukrainian girls (sisters) who had moved to Canada a few years earlier.

We had several Ukrainian workers at the time actually, with most of them arriving after Putin annexed the Crimean Peninsula (see how foreign events can influence local dynamics). I remember two Ukrainian dishwashers, one pro-Moscow, the other pro-Kiev, who almost came to blows several times. But it was naturally the Ukrainian girls who fascinated me.

In terms of work ethic they put the other girls to shame. While it would take 4-5 waitresses to run the floor, the Ukrainian girls could do it by themselves; one taking the restaurant, the other the lounge. They were also more friendly, down to earth, and frankly better looking. The managers once laughed at how comfortable I was talking to them both, while some of the girls got angry and jealous. A few because they had a crush on me, but most of them just because that meant I gave them less attention.

Anyway, the Ukrainian girls were great, but I think they were with us for only there 6 to 8 months until they found better jobs. That’s a common occurrence in the bar industry, the best employees tend to leave quickly, while the weaker ones often stay until the end of time. I was sad to see them go, not only were they easy to work with, but we also never had any person conflicts.

***

I’m not exactly sure how the date came to be. I was talking to the younger Ukrainian sister, we’ll call her Olena, during the dying hours of a weekday shift. I think one of the cooks and the other lounge server where at a table nearby. It was dead by then, most of the side duties were finished, and Olena and I made small talk. 

Olena was cute, but I wouldn’t say I felt much attraction to her, which made it easy for us to talk. Like many men, I’m confident with most women, but occasionally I’d babble like an idiot when I’ve really been into someone. That’s why I tended to flirt the same way you shoot an assault rifle: In short, controlled bursts. 

Anyway, because it was so easy talking with Olena she felt comfortable around me. Eventually, for some reason I mentioned a lounge I went to at the time. It was always open until 2 a.m, the specials were reasonable, and it was dark and sexy. She kept asking about it and since our shifts were ending soon Olena asked if I wanted to go there after work. 

By now the cook and lounge server were watching us closely, like we were cute. I always hate when people do that. Whenever I’ve seen someone wanting to ask another person out I’d give them space and privacy. It’s not always fun throwing the dice when you like someone and it can be embarrassing if they say no.

At the time I was taken a bit off guard, not least because it’s rare a woman has the guts to make the first move. I was also annoyed as my eavesdropping colleagues were waiting in suspense for my answer (people need lives). I’m pretty sure I said something like “yaa, why not” in a mildly friendly tone, and we agreed to drive there after work.

Olena then left the room, I looked over in annoyance at my colleagues, and they immediately acted like teenagers seeing their friend going on a first date. Did I mention I was nearly 30 at the time? I can’t remember the exchange but I’m sure there were a few mentions of “grow up” from me and them teasing me if they could come along “for our date.” 

Was it even a date I wondered? This was just before 2015, where the rise of social media, dating apps, and narcissism over the next decade would combine to destroy modern relationships, the dating scene, and any chance of romance for most millennials and the Gen Zs who followed them. And Bryon thought one reason I struggled with relationships was overthinking!

I didn’t even know if Olena really liked me but I decided to treat the evening as a date in case she did and see how things played out. “Who knows,” I thought, “maybe we’d have a connection.” It certainly felt easier than the times I took out women I really liked and felt immense pressure to impress them. 

***

We arrived at the lounge probably between 1030 and 11 p.m. It was dead, quiet, and only one waitress was on. I remember she had often seemed annoyed serving me as I sometimes stayed there until closing time. But this time the server smiled and acted like it was cute that I brought in a young woman for a drink. Perhaps she thought “awwww, even the grumpy, drunk writer can find someone.”

I think Olena and I both got beers, most likely they were on special. I’m unsure how many drinks we had that night, but I assume she had 2 and I had 3 because neither of us got tipsy, loud, or excited that evening. In truth it would turn out to be what I’d call a vanilla date: Pleasant, easygoing, not disappointing, but nothing to brag about either. But as I’ve said before the industry is like warfare: Chaotic and exciting 5% of the time, but boring 95% the rest of it. The fact I remember the details leading up to date versus the event itself is a perfect example.

On the plus side we got along naturally, it didn’t feel like an interview (always a turn off), and Olena was at least interesting. The details of her family remain fuzzy, but she was an Orthodox Christian with mostly conservative values. Those aren’t my leanings but I don’t judge other peoples’ beliefs. We may have disagreed on some social issue (may have been gay marriage) just to make interesting conversation, but the discussion was polite.

I remember she had an engineering degree (but I don’t remember in what field). She was unlike many engineers in the sense she didn’t have an ounce of arrogance, but I don’t know if that’s because she was a woman or Ukrainian. To be honest I don’t remember much else we discussed that night and I wasn’t even drunk. That’s how vanilla the evening was. 

No doubt she asked me about myself. At the time I was well read, had written only one book, and had lived in London for a year. That, and being 8 years into my controversial bartending career were the main bulletpoints for my life on paper. 

The truth was back then I was relatively intelligence, knowledgable, and had travelled to a decent extent, but I was unsure who I was or what I wanted. It would take another decade of bartending, education, life experience, and some notable tragedies to grow up, find myself, and realize what’s important. But by then it would be too late to save certain relationships, connections, or chase certain goals. Sometimes you only know what you got when it’s gone. 

***

We were likely there for 90 minutes to 2 hours and probably left as soon as I finished my third beer. I can’t remember how the date ended but I know we didn’t go home with each other, kiss, or even discuss hanging out again. Maybe that was because we were colleagues and this may not have been a real date. More likely, we had an okay time but there was no spark, chemistry, or connection, and both realized it. But there were no bad feelings and we remained friendly and professional at work like nothing happened. 

We wouldn’t hang out again, she would marry a guy from Ukraine, and I think they had two children. I’m unsure if they went back to Ukraine, if they were there when Russia invaded in 2022, or if she is even okay today. I don’t think about her often, partially because it was an uneventful evening but also because she was so nice. 

Because in the bar industry the crazy girls are the ones that stick out: The shameless drunks that fall off stools, the waitresses who snort blow, the drama queens and manipulators who ruin careers, and the bipolar ones who go from sweet to sour at the drop of a hat. For every Olena I went out with there were at least four of these types. Maybe that says something about me, the industry, or the people I attracted back then. 

All I know is when I left the industry and dated other types of women I found it hard to adapt. Mostly because they were different (usually for the good) from the industry I came from and because I’d learned to be weary, distrustful, and frankly to assume the worst too often. That’s hardly an uncommon thing for men and women alike, in many industries, but that doesn’t make it any less true or tragic. 

…and it would cost me dearly in a few cases.