Never do what I did that day… as satisfying and justified as it was. While it was fair according to karma, it was also highly unprofessional and wasn’t the proudest moment of my career. But it makes for a great bar story. 

It was a typical lunch shift at the my least favourite bar job. I was tired, irritable, and likely hungover. Fridays were my only morning shift at the time and since I preferred sleeping in they were a bitch. It wasn’t busy, or it was passed lunch rush, as I had a long conversation with one of the waitresses. Let’s call her Sofia.

***

Sofia was nicer and more friendly than most waitresses on the surface. But in some ways she was more ruthless, cynical, and manipulative than even the most hardened, bitchy server. A word to the wise: When a girl tells you she’s a bitch, 99% of the time she’s a bitch. The ones to look out for are those who pretend to be nice and cute to your face, while leading you on or conspiring to stab you in the back.

We had a complicated relationship and I’ll admit as hypocritical as she was I wasn’t kinder or less toxic in the end. I was more honest and direct but I regret many of the things I said to Sofia. Because when you conduct yourself in a completely gentlemanly manner you may feel like a fool when you’re taken advantage of, but after its over you can at least claim the moral high ground. Because to quote Phelan from BSG “it’s hard to find the moral high ground when you’re all standing in the mud.”

Anyway, we hung out and flirted often but it never went anywhere. Because Sofia just loved my attention, was usually touchy, but always fell back on the “we’re just friends” whenever things almost escalated. To be fair, shame on me for being stupid, naive, and used. But shame on her for continuously reeling me in just to satisfy an immature need for drama.I have regrets with some of my words and actions with women, but I’ve never led anyone on or given false hope just to boost my ego. Because playing with peoples’ emotions, especially when they’re honest and well meaning with you, is just evil and cruel.

Many women would say I just imagined things, but I didn’t. I’m honest enough to realize in hindsight the times I’ve misread girls, because we all want to believe things we want to happen. But in this case Sofia was a brutal, calculating tease. Because everyone around me, friend and foe alike, told me I was being played. Sometimes I’d completely ignore Sofia to see how she’d react, and she did EVERYTHING to regain my attention. 

Years later I laugh at it all: The games men and women play with each other, and all the pointless deceit, bullshit, and nonsense. It’s why I love my girlfriend. She was just nice, honest, and never created gossip or drama.Maybe it’s because I chose a career synonymous with greed, lust, drama, and cocaine, because besides her I’ve never had a healthy, meaningful relationship.

***

I’m not sure why I found Sofia so alluring, with hindsight at least. She was older, nice enough, but otherwise a typical single mother waitress. Most likely it was her warm personality, green eyes, and European looks. Sofia had a sexy accent and was born in Sarajevo. She claimed she lived through the Siege of Sarajevo, the longest siege in modern times. Sofia said she avoided mines, barbed wire, and snipers on the way home from school and hugged her mom every time they were reunited. I don’t know if that’s true, but it would make a great Hollywood movie. 

Sofia even claimed her great grand father was the body guard of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, whose assassination sparked World War I. She claimed Ferdinand died in his arms.It sounded just crazy enough to be believable, especially given being late and having a poor work ethic often seem to be passed on from generation to generation. If her story is true I wonder how history would’ve turned out if her great grandfather had been more competent and punctual than herself.

Anyway, most likely I just wanted her because she was nice enough, good looking enough, and was there. For a quiet guy it can be hard to meet women, even where you’re in great shape. Sometimes you just go for whatever is around but I don’t recommend it… it’s better to be alone than desperate. But hindsight is the mother of all bitches and long dry spells corrode standards and judgement.

***

After our first GM was fired (we had three in three years) a tall, pretty boy named Mason came from Ontario to replace him. I always liked and respected Mason and we got along immediately. He wasn’t the best leader, let too much slide, and failed to enforce meritocracy (in other words reward the best and fire the worst). But Mason was competent and easy to work under. He was also fun, kind, and had my back with most things… with a notable exception.

In fact, we were best buddies for awhile. We hit every bar, chased girls (he did better), and had many fun times. As much as I hate the industry sometimes I miss those days.

Mason once volunteered at a multi-cultural event and his only task was to watch and replace two garbage buckets whenever they got full. By the time I arrived he was so drunk (because every nation has a drinking culture) they were overflowing and he was sent home. Not for the first or last time in my career I scolded a colleague with “you had one job!”

Another time we met two girls at a lame nightclub. One was gorgeous while the other was meh looking. Since we were doing well he asked which one I wanted when they went to the ladies’ room. I said, without hesitation, “the good looking one!” Rather than competing he said “okay, I’ll fuck anything,” just as quickly. I guess it’s easy to be a ladies’ man if your standards are minimal. But it didn’t matter as something we did ruined our chances as their flirting stopped and they left without paying for the shots they bought for us. Eh… who wants to hook up with girls without class anyway?

But my favourite Mason moment was when he got angry at a bartender for roughing up a little shit in the entrance of a lounge. I thought the little bastard had it coming (he was throwing shit around and being disruptive) but Mason was outraged and started beaking the bartender. While the guy didn’t respond he made some smirks and Mason got furious and threatened him… violently. I’d never seen him act that way and had to physically stop Mason from rushing the man. He was far stronger than me and could’ve shoved me aside, but he’d never do that to a friend.

I saved Mason’s job that day as our city was small and the restaurant community was even smaller. It wouldn’t be the last time I spared his career.

***

Coming back to Sofia I started noticing a pattern with her and Mason. Sofia kept showing up whenever Mason and I hung out, even when she hadn’t been invited. What a convenience… right? Any man with half a brain could’ve figured out what was happening, but I was too drunk or liked her too much to see it. Sofia’s body language and actions made it obvious she wanted Mason from the beginning. But given he constantly bedded many women (usually hotter than her) I assumed the attraction wasn’t mutual.

But of course it was, as you likely guessed from the title of the chapter. Their “secret” romance was uncovered one night at my favourite bar. I laugh now at how foolish and naive I was back then. I know they had every right to be with each other and didn’t need my permission.What I never forgave is they knew I liked her and fucked around behind my back for months. Given she continued to flirt and lead me on and Mason “encouraged” me to keep chasing Sofia, that was very low and cowardly. 

Because that night Sofia and I had some drinks away from the group and she played me like a fiddle. When I texted Mason about what I thought were good indicators he told me to make a move. However, I eventually caught on given their increasingly close proximity, especially as the evening at the pub went on.

Their blatant conspiracy fell apart when I caught them outside a night club having a drunken gropefest against her SUV. The rest of the group had been waiting for them to return after “forgetting” something from the car, and after 10 minutes I became suspicious. When my friend Alexandra suggested there was something going on between them I went outside and caught them in the act.

Needless to say, finding out two people I cared about deeply had lied to me for six months wasn’t exactly pleasant.I did what many young men do when their hearts are broken. I made a big scene, ran off, and sulked at my mom’s place, that I was housesitting at the time.Back then I was so pissed off and hurt, but today I just laugh at it. It’s funny how emotions change and girls you were once crazy about can become dead to you. You go from fantasying about the what ifs to dissecting what went wrong like a stale case study.

***

Mason panicked, afraid I’d ruin his career by exposing their unprofessional relationship, a no no according to head office. He fucked off while Sofia chased me to my mother’s place in her SUV. Given the night of heavy drinking she was lucky to avoid a DUI. She came inside and we had an unpleasant conversation.

I can’t remember everything but the highlights are clear enough. Sofia made lames excuses why they never told me they’d been fucking behind my back for months. More laughable was her suggestion they were about to tell me. My favourite part was Sofia insisting they’d been exclusive for months. I would’ve scoffed had I not been so numb and disappointed. Mason had been screwing girls for months, often at my place or at my mom’s. He wasn’t a bad guy but I told Sofia if he said she was the only one then she was oblivious… and that he would cheat on her if they stayed together.

While I’d turned out to be a lame simp Sofia was just as pathetic by being among those legions of women who think a high status ladies man would devote themselves solely to them. Within a year he cheated at least once and given their “healthy relationship” she quickly got him back. Again, the games men and women play with each other. By the time Sofia disclosed his infidelity I’d long been over her. When Sofia said “you were right, I should have listened” I took it as seriously as a military historian trying to extract practical lessons from the Great Emu War of 1932.

Anyway, going back to that night I told Sofia I was done with them. She left in tears, Mason was terrified about losing his job, and I called in sick the next day (for the 2nd time in my long career). That was my protest and it was karma that our bar was rocked harder than any other day during my stint there. I’m not sure how it was for the staff, but not having the one veteran who gave a fuck probably wasn’t fun. Again, it’s good to reward the best employees and fire the worst!

To Mason’s credit he apologized in person the next day and said it was over between them. I respect that as most people, especially in the bar industry, rarely apologize no matter how much they fuck up or hurt others. It meant nothing at the time of course as I was beyond angry. But later that day I put my silly emotions aside and did the correct thing. I texted Sofia to say they should stay together and I wished them well.

Because as much as their deceit and hypocrisy hurt me I had no right to tell them they couldn’t be together. Besides, I wasn’t innocent given I’d not always treated her well either. Ultimately, I had been the lamer part of a love triangle (the one who didn’t get laid) and it’s been so long I look back now and laugh. It’s something you learn as you age: To forgive yourself and others and laugh at your past, instead of succumbing to self-pity.

***

All of this is to provide background for what happened on that lame, Friday lunch shift I referenced at the beginning. 

For some reason Sofia and I began arguing. I’m not sure who started it but since I was hungover and irritable from lack of rest, there’s at least a 50% chance it was me. Whether it was about someone not pulling their weight (always her), stealing a table (always her), some personal slight (usually me), or something else, I don’t know.

I just remember her saying I was a suck up and boot licker to management. Given all the fights I had with the managers and my eventual separation from service there that was bullshit. Regardless, Sofia mocked me, smirked, turned around, and walked away. That’s when I unleashed the devastating volley this story is about: “Says the girl who sucked the manager’s cock and pretended she wasn’t fucking him for six months!” 

Again, like I said at the beginning, DON’T do this, it’s unprofessional… but it felt great! To be clear Mason was gone by then because otherwise I wouldn’t have been stupid enough to do this, as he was taller and stronger than me.

Some waitresses would’ve cried, or slapped me in the face. I’ve met some hardened women you’d never fuck with in the industry, but most waitresses cower and play the victim when you call out their bullshit. Yet given the many fights I had with servers in 17 years I’m surprised my luck didn’t run out then and earn me a punch to the jaw. But Sofia had always fought from the shadows and my frontal assault shocked her.

Instead, she grabbed her daily latte from Starbucks (a reason among many she was always late), gestured it towards me, and said “what did you say?” But I knew after two hours it wouldn’t burn or disfigure me (unless she had recently miked it), so I repeated myself: That she was a typical naive girl who screwed a fuck boy manager and thought she was too smart to avoid being caught. 

Realizing I was tired of her bullshit and wouldn’t back down she said “Andrew, I want to throw my coffee in your face.” I can’t remember if I scoffed or laughed but I knew that even if she pelted me in the face with subpar coffee I’d have no regrets.

Instead, she went to the AGM (the man who’d later get fired for dropping his pants in front of the Filipino supervisor) and complained. The AGM soon showed up me and asked if I did what Sofia said. By then I hated the place and life so much I hoped to get fired and have a brief interlude between this place and another mediocre job. Thus, I admitted my guilt and awaited a whirlwind that never came. Because management liked me and thought Sofia was lazy and manipulative, and had little respect for her after sleeping with the last GM. So I got off without a warning or slap on the wrist.

“Okay,” the AGM said in his usual relaxed, friendly manner. “Am I fired?,” I asked cautiously. “No,” he said. “Am I suspended or written up?,” I continued.” “No,” he said again. “Are you sending me home for the day?,” I asked with hope. “No, you’re good,” he finished. I’d just gotten away with one of the worst examples of unprofessionalism in the industry… but perhaps that’s unsurprising at the most unprofessional place I’ve ever worked at.

I remember being disappointed and asking “are you sure I’m not suspended, or could at least be sent home now?” “No, everything’s fine,” he said with a mischievous smile. Thus, I spent the rest of the shift serving the same lame clientele, for the same small tips I usually got until 4:30 p.m. Maybe that was my punishment… having to endure another day of mediocrity and soul-crushing banality, in a job I wish I’d just been fired from.

***

The next day the GM approached me just after I started my shift. He was more professional than the AGM (he never exposed his manhood to one of the female supervisors at least). While I no longer feared severe punishment for the previous day’s incident, I expected a minor chewing out. But as he walked up to me with a shit-eating grin I knew he felt as bad for Sofia as the AGM had.

“Andrew,” he started, “I heard what you said to Sofia.” “Uh huh,” was all I muttered. “That’s hilarious!,” he said before turning on his heel and walking back to the office. While I won’t pretend he was my favourite GM, and we wouldn’t part on good terms, at least he had a great sense of humour.

That was it… I’d told a waitress she had sucked the previous GM’s dick in front of customers and colleagues, and I didn’t even get a verbal warning. Then again, this was before the outbreak of the MeToo era, which temporarily panicked all the scum managers and bartenders who abuse women in the industry. Because had I said that after this Sofia could’ve gone to corporate and I would’ve been more expendable than Russian infantry swarming the Seelow Heights. 

But whatever Sofia was she wasn’t petty or vindictive, and she never brought up the event again. Maybe it was guilt over having played me like a simp, but more likely it just wasn’t in her nature to hold a grudge.In that way at least she was a better person than me. 

***

As for her and Mason they married, had a child, and as far as I know are still together. More than nine years later I wish them well and hope he’s settled down and stopped chasing other women. For my part, I’m not pleased Sofia played me but with hindsight it was a blessing. Because my current girlfriend is 10 years younger, hotter, far nicer, and didn’t have a kid I’d have to help raise. 

Sometimes you dodge more bullets than you realize.