“She came, she saw, she dropped her skirt.” 

I’ve said it before… most bartenders aren’t pursued by the girls they want. There’s exceptions like the best looking guys who work at the most popular bars. But most work at boring and average bars. There’s nothing wrong with that, just don’t expect to get many Kylee Nashes or Kate Uptons. Before I’m called sexist, how many waitresses dream of meeting a handsome man or celebrity that make six figures, to save them from the serfdom of the hospitality industry? Both sexes are shallow!

On the other hand, when male bartenders have little standards 99% of them can amass a large body count (and many STDs). That was never me, but men often think with the lower part of their body.

***

It was a weekday night at the second favourite bar I’ve worked at. The lounge was dead most of the evening, as I remember spending most of the time talking to people at the bartop. When it’s busy and you work alone there are tables to serve, food to run, and cleaning to do. But much of the night I was shackled to the bar… and not in a good way.

There was a couple at the bar, or I assumed they were. To be fair they were polite, easy going, and tipped well. But there was something off about them. They had a notable age difference. She was probably in her late 30s. He was older, probably 58-60. That alone means nothing, as love or companionship come in many forms.

But it soon became obvious either he was her sugar daddy, she was an escort, or it was both. They kept kissing at the bartop (gross), lived up these stereotypes, and the rest the story doesn’t suggest they shared romantic love.

Around 8 p.m. the man asked for the bill, tipped generously, and left. As a customer I can’t fault him, except for making out with a women half his age a mere 5 feet away from me! However, the woman remained and ordered another drink, followed by many more. She immediately began flirting with me, and not in a subtle way. I haven’t always been perceptive with women but I knew where this was going. The only question was whether or not she expected me to pay if I went home with her.

My instinct wasn’t to encourage her just to get laid. I’m sure most men would say “what’s wrong with you,” without me even DESCRIBING her. But I’ve always believed you either feel something or you don’t… and I felt nothing.

To be fair she was decently attractive and had she not just sucked face with a man decades older my interest could’ve been higher. She was slim and likely a knock out 10 years earlier. She also reminded me of a previous girl I wanted so I didn’t dismiss her outright. It’s why you shouldn’t chase ghosts that walked way.

But sharing saliva with a man old enough to be her father grossed me out. Her teeth weren’t great either. Finally, I just wasn’t into her. For me it comes down to instinct and hunger, and in both cases she was found wanting. Most men don’t understand, and it’s why they usually settle for anything.

***

At this point the place was dead. So empty it was just us at the bar top, with me warding off her advances. I know every waitress would shout, RIGHTLY, how many times they’ve been in this position and say “get over it.” For every time I’ve suffered unwanted advances the average waitress has experienced it 10-20 times. For the the hottest ones it’s at least 100. That’s how prevalent sexual harassment in the industry is. And unlike them, I’ve never felt physically threatened. That’s why if I had a daughter I’d never let her work in the field!

But as a veteran bartender I brushed it off, played the part, and wasn’t uncomfortable. In this case I was just annoyed. Again, it was dead and while there weren’t other customers I had things to do. While I love working alone you still have to do all the cleaning, stocking, closing duties, etc. That’s the case for well ran bars at least. For toxic and pathetic ones the rule of thumb is to at least lock the doors and turn off the open sign… and even that isn’t guaranteed!

It didn’t bother me she was annoying and flirted shamelessly. Or that she became increasingly cruder and aggressive. I was just annoyed that her constant attention meant more seconds I’d have to expend closing the bar. I once asked a cute bartender at Moxie’s to show me the closing list. It was HARSH and ridiculously long. I cannot imagine how pissed off she must have been doing that each night, while fending off creepy men.

Anyway, I didn’t cut off the woman early on, even though I could’ve given how drunk she was. I’d like to think it because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but more likely I needed the tips.

After she kept saying how hot I was, which rarely happens to most men, her aggressive flirting turned to outright solicitation. And not the cute “voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir” kind, but the “fuck me in the bathroom” kind. By now she was like a bitch in heat and wouldn’t back off. I’m glad no one else was around, because it would’ve been so embarrassing for her.

***

I can’t remember the rest of the conversation because I finally dropped the customer is always right demeanour. Because they often aren’t and when you don’t work for chain restaurants you can call out bullshit. I’m sure I was polite, thanks to my upbringing, but I basically said ‘quit horsing around.’ I was tired of saying everything it took to deny her screwing me in the gender neutral washroom next to the bar.

Again, most men would say “what’s wrong with you” but she wasn’t hot, pleasant, or sober enough, and I still had a bar to take care of. I’ve always put my bar first… except for the times I didn’t, like when I took home a barbie like 6 foot 2 blonde. But that’s another story.

I can’t recall every excuse I made but now I understand the lame reasons girls give to deny men dates. But I told her she was drunk, I had a job to do, and likely pointed out subtly she was too drunk to fuck anyway. When that didn’t work I just lied. I told her I had a fiancé, two kids, and even had a medical condition. With hindsight I should’ve just said I was gay.

Inevitably, my patience collapsed, I cut her off, and made her pay the bill… likely not as politely as I could’ve been. By then I thought she had given up. But before leaving she turned around, smiled, and lifted her skirt. She didn’t have underwear on (big shock right) and I looked away in disgust. Then she left and the rest of the night was uneventful. Had a guy done that they’d be banned and charged… rightfully.

The next day I told the staff about it and we had a good laugh. My boss told me Roger, our older, crusty morning bartender, would’ve been all over her. Based on his reputation, having dated an escort, and hooked up with swingers, that’s probably true. I wish we had traded shifts that day. He could have used a quick lay… and I could have spent the night studying for university.