“Don’t worry, I learned how to make plenty of drinks at bartending school: Gin and… tonic? Do they mix?” -Moe the Bartender, The Simpsons

1). You sell drugs at your bar.

2). You snort cocaine at your bar.

3). You hit on all the waitresses.

4). You hit on none of the waitresses.

5). You hit on all of the customers.

6). You hit on none of the customers.

7). You say the blender is broken to avoid making frozen drinks (95% of the time when bartenders say it’s broken, it isn’t!)

8). You never say the blender is broken. When you have 50 drink chits and the bar is collapsing the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

9). You don’t know how to change music or switch channels on the TV.

10). You always steal booze and give free drinks to your friends.

11). You never give free drinks to your regulars and friends.

12). You are always drunk on shift.

13). You are never drunk on shift (sometimes tactical shots build rapport)

14). You act like a walking dick.

15), You can’t explain the difference between simple wines after a decade of bartending.

16). You know little about sports, music, movies, or popular culture.

17). You rarely smile at or talk to your customers.

18). You talk too much to only a few customers while the rest get little service.

19). You only care about tits and tips.

20). You never care about tits and tips.

21). You can’t layer shots, properly pour a Guinness, or make a martini.

22). You are terrified of wine service.

23). You wipe the same part of the bar, or polish the same wine glass, when a manager walks into the room to pretend you’re busy (they catch on eventually).

24). You regularly wake up 15 minutes before your shift.

25). You always get too early for your shift. 

26). You have multiple DUIs (everyone gets a mulligan).

27). When asked for a drink recommendation you say rye and coke.

28). You never look at the drink list.

29). You always have to look at the drink list to make drinks.

30). You panic when you need to open a corked wine bottle.

31). You free pour when the bar is dead (shot glasses exist for a reason).

32). You never free pour when the bar is crushed (get the drinks out for the love of god!)

33). You skip over customers’ songs on the jukebox (they paid for that).

34). You never skip over the worst customers’ song on the jukebox, especially when it ruins the mood.

35). You only have one or two shirts and pants for work (and still barely wash them).

36). You refuse to take tables in the restaurant or leave the bar.

37). You can’t carry drinks on a tray, or do the awkward two-hand grip like you’re handling a baby.

38). You get too involved in restaurant drama and gossip (have some class man).

39). You never get involved gossip (it can create bonding and allies).

40). You don’t know any names of the hosts, day staff, or kitchen workers (don’t be a snob).

41). When people ask for a food menu at your bartop you look at them with disgust.

42). You don’t know how to change a keg or you struggle to.

43). You bring actual bottle caps to customers instead of shots when they ask for bottle caps.

44). You never run food from the kitchen (show some teamwork).

45). You always run food from the kitchen (drinks and the bartop are your first priority).

46). You don’t know any of the regulars’ names (even if they suck).

47). You get too “intimate” with too many regulars. 

48). Your best friends are Alexander Keiths, Jack Daniels, and Burt Reynolds.

49). You do the Riker Lean from TNG at the back of the bar to avoid customers (Google it).

50). You’re hungover every morning (show some professionalism… take a day off once in a while).

51). You’re never hungover in the morning (loosen up a bit).

52). You think you’re charming when you clearly aren’t.

53). You tell more stories and lead the conversations more than your customers (talk less, listen more).

53). You’re too surly, sarcastic and obnoxious (Everyone loves Moe from the Simpsons but get over yourself… you aren’t unique).

54). You can’t make a Manhattan, martini, or Old Fashion to save your life!

55). You’ve never done 1 deep-clean of the bar after years of working there.

56). You send out drinks with gross garnishes and poor appearance (half of the battle is aesthetics).

57). You never care if your drinks are made incorrectly.

58). You like making frozen drinks and sangrias (what’s wrong with you).

59). You don’t like or trust anyone.

60). You like and trust everyone.

61). You never know the daily specials after years of working there.

62). You get angry when waitresses don’t stab their chits (Calm down!).

63). You never get angry when waitresses don’t stab their chits (You had pride before).

64). You spend all your tips on drinking (often at your own bar).

65). You spend none of your tips on drinking (unless you’re going to medical school that’s unacceptable ).

65). You gamble… a lot!

66). You’ve driven home on only 3 tires.

67). You never wash your hands (gross).

68). You always wash your hands (get back to work).

69). You use a glass to scoop up ice (at least when people are looking).

70). You’ve never melted down and cleaned the ice well (an entire bacteria culture could have thrived and threatened the world).

71). You always use expired products.

72). You rarely wipe down and clean the bartop (even after the bar closes).

73). You haven’t bought new shoes in years, the heels are worn out, and you drag your feet.

74). You wish most days you never became a bartender.

75). While you appreciate what you learned from the industry you became too dependent on it (you became complacent).