The bar industry is full of teases, mostly young, cute waitresses. It’s no secret they increase their tips, MASSIVELY, by showing cleavage, wearing short skirts, and flirting. Before I’m attacked, men and women everywhere use their looks and clothes to get ahead. This usually works and compensates for any shortcoming(s) that disqualify less attractive people. Any guy with half a brain should be smart enough to realize 99.9% of the time waitresses only flirt to increase their tip ratio. But men are often stupid, think with their dicks, and I’ve been among those fools who think that 0.01% of the time would benefit me.

There’s an unspoken social contract at bars. Waitresses flirt for financial reward, men overtip to retain this attention (and a tiny chance to get laid) and it’s tolerated as long as guys aren’t too creepy or aggressive. I have no time for men who harass and demean waitresses, and can’t take no for an answer. Taking a second roll of the dice is tolerated often, but that’s it. Hot waitresses are a dime a dozen anyway, and frankly there’s usually better women out in the real world.

It doesn’t matter how much they led you on (or more likely you thought they did), or how much you tipped. You aren’t entitled to anything and the industry is 95% acting and tips. It’s not personal and behind their make up and clothes many waitresses are as ugly on the inside as they are on the outside. I’ve worked far too many Sunday brunches where they don’t doll themselves up to deny that.

On the other hand, it’s not cool when waitresses take flirting and leading men on too far, at least in the case of decent men who treat them with respect. There’s fake flirting to make tips and low-key flirting if they like you, and rarely should you expect anything more. But to imply a potential date to a decent, honest guy, just to afford an overpriced purse or iPhone is despicable. If servers want that money they should extract it from assholes who demean them instead.

***

Anyway, I was midway through my career, hated my job, and had little direction in life. At the time I frequented a chain restaurant similar to Moxie’s and Earls. On the plus side its prices were cheaper and they didn’t allow kids. On the minus side the staff was lazy and the service sucked most of the time. But it was close by, the girls were cute, the atmosphere was fine, and I got free drinks often.

It was a few days before New Years and the place was dead.I sat alone at the bar sipping wine and writing about history. I’m not a snobbish writer who likes expensive wine (which 99% of writers can’t afford). Wine bottles were just half-priced and I took advantage. I sometimes wonder how many DUIs were created by this questionable special. 

Maybe that’s why there was often patrol cars less than 25 meters from the bar. The cops stood outside, joked around, and stared down patrons dumb enough to stumble to their vehicles. Being a stubborn fool, I once mustered enough discipline (and liquor courage) to walk confidently to my car after 5 pints. They never even looked at me. Either I fooled them, or they weren’t in the mood to fill out the paperwork to charge me. 

I’m not proud of it but it is what it is. I once saved an idiot friend, who was arguing with two cops, from a DUI, but that’s for a another time. 

Anyway, around 9pm a waitress, who just got off work, sat next to me. With hindsight she was obviously smashed as she was “friendlier” than usual. She had nothing to gain from me, except ATTENTION, as she couldn’t squeeze me for tips.

At the time I occasionally got tipsy and hit on waitresses there. Again, I’m not proud of it but sometimes you act stupid when you’re young. While I had never been handsy or aggressive, I’m sure some of the girls were weary of me. But this time she would be aggressive and handsy with me. But as any male bartender who has been slapped on the ass by dozens of women as I was knows, when a woman harasses a man… NO ONE cares.

Her name was Sarah, for the story at least. She was smoking hot, even if she didn’t match my ideal body type. Sarah was red headed, short, slim, and had a beautiful face and nice wiggle. She was also less shallow and more interesting than most waitresses. While that’s a low bar to clear given so many conform to cookie-cutter-cutout stereotypes, it was still a plus. Before I’m called sexist I admit male bartenders often live up to stereotypes like cocky, fuck-boys or sensitive souls to get in women’s pants.

Anyway, as she sat at the bar Sarah turned to me and said “hey I know you.” There was no one else at the bar and she came to see me. She had half an empty glass of wine in her hand and was very tipsy. As she weighed 110 pounds and alcohol hits women harder, this wasn’t surprising on half-priced wine night!

I can’t remember much of the conversation, given the wine and being felt up by a hot red head. While I do better with cute women than average guys, this wasn’t a regular occurrence. I know Sarah was at least nice and didn’t give me attitude. That was refreshing at the time.

***

Soon, an old line cook came out, gave her a brief glance, and went back to the kitchen. She frowned and pointed to him as he left. I’ll never know if what she told me was true, but it was her “excuse” to get touchy.

Sarah said the cook once cornered her in the staff area and felt her up. She gave me a demonstration by groping my chest and feeling my upper body. I wasn’t complaining, it wasn’t every week a hot girl touched me. But had I done this to her there would’ve been hell to pay. After her first grope fest, where I kept my hands 100% to myself, Sarah told me another tale: That she was in the cooler, the lights went out, and he accosted her again. Thus, she gave me another demonstration, this time with more intensity.

During this… encounter, every waitress kept turning their heads to watch. As I had hit on some of them they likely thought I’d take advantage of Sarah. But while I didn’t stop her groping I never touched her or did anything to egg her on. I merely enjoyed the moment and let her act out… whatever the hell she was doing!

I don’t know what happened next… a common theme in every bar memoir. But I didn’t go home with Sarah or make a move. I was unsure what the odds of success were but given how sauced she was it would’ve been slimy to take advantage of her. That and everyone in the building could see Sarah was a sloppy drunk and I could’ve faced legal issues if we screwed. Sometimes the moral and the practical align, even in the bar industry. It’s best not to take home a very drunk girl… unless you’re more drunk, she’s liked you for a long time, and you let her lead.

She soon left and I went back to writing. I smirked, shook my head, and wondered why I rarely met a hot girl who wasn’t drunk, taken, and actually made things easy for me. In 40 years that’s only happened twice!

***

A few days later my brother, his wife, and I came back to celebrate New Years Eve. I’m sure I didn’t recommend it… I think, but I didn’t object. Part of me hoped she’d be there so I could make a move on her, if she wasn’t blackout drunk! She was there alright, dressed in a sexy, revealing, dark blue dress.

Sarah caught my glance, looked surprised, and smiled shyly. I gave her the best smile possible and she lowered her eyes, blushed, and walked to the far side of the lounge. She was clearly embarrassed and I decided not to make a move if she didn’t approach me. 

She didn’t so I shrugged it off… wanting to enjoy the night with my brother and his wife. However, they got into a stupid fight. I’m not sure what it was about, but like Russia in the Ukraine War it was probably 99% my brother’s fault. While I respect my brother and think he means well we’ve always had a contentious relationship and she had the patience of a saint. Anyway, his negativity pissed me off and I stormed off, just before midnight. Thus, I spent the first moments of 2014 walking home in the snow in anger and disgust.

A week later, likely after a few beers, I messaged her on Facebook. Generally, when I’ve done this I’d be polite, friendly, state my intentions, but not act aggressive or crude. I’m objective enough to know sometimes I’ve fucked up but in this case I was harmless.

Besides, given how touchy and aggressive she was Sarah couldn’t blame me for rolling the die. Our conversation started pleasantly enough. It was the usual back and forth bullshit for a few minutes, before I jumped the trenches and asked for her number. 

I remember her response 12 years later: “I’m not comfortable with that.” 

Like fucking seriously? After feeling me up aggressively at the bar and being a total flirt. To turn it around on me like that? Imagine had the situations been reversed… yaa!

Anyway, I shrugged, laughed to myself, and ended the conversation. She had used me for attention or was just messing around because she was drunk. Or I had blown my chance by not hitting on her earlier and she had moved onto another guy (or guys). This was just before tinder began ruining relationships and allowed any girl who could pass herself off as a 5 get as many dates or sex as they wanted. 

I later heard she got around… ALOT. So at least I didn’t catch an STD or a case of feelings for someone who didn’t deserve it. 

Around this time I had a talk with the manager at my work where I said “sometimes the only thing worse than being single, is not being single.” But that story is for another time. I’d often see Sarah around given the size of the city and tight knit bar community. We never brought up any of this as such ridiculous, absurd things happen so often in the industry on a daily basis they tend to blend together.

That’s why it’s hard to form meaningly, longterm relationships in such a line of work.